Keep Holding On

Here I am waiting for my next flight to Hongkong. 8 days in Korea is tiring. It's supposed to be a holiday yet I'm not feeling it. Suddenly the feeling of wanting to head home hit me so bad. Ironically I'm traveling in a group but I'm just alone. This travel alone made me think about a lot of things; primarily on my life and my career. I admit I chose the way I want it to be because I'm losing the energy to make people accept who I am.

I somehow felt I tried my best. What else should I do to make myself happy? Trying not to think about stuffs is difficult. You thought you got over it and accepted reality but situations just keep clinging to you no matter how hard you try to shake it off.

Almost everyone in the company got a promotion. What have I not done enough to justify? I'm doing what everyone is doing, I accept whatever is assigned. I don't see myself putting less effort than everyone else. It's just really demoralizing and disappointing to see the start of a new financial year thinking that predictable increment I'm going to get. Did I make the wrong step of running my own race instead with others? This year ahead makes me wonder what's installed for the next year.

I travelled with a colleague and this trip she saw a different side of me. I always wanted to separate work form my personal life and it seems better if she wasn't around. I know I can't make her not go on this trip and it's her choice. Thus, it's better I just opt out from this group. I never like people to know my thoughtS because I like residing in my own comfort zone. Everything seems so superficial now.

It's seems he has other perceptions of me when I all want is to be genuine to people. I want to be nice but I gave up; no effort can be seen in me. I'm not a good conversationalist probably because all conversations I can join in. Maybe I do better putting my thoughts here in a virtual world because no emotions or feelings can be seen here. Seriously I am tired. Im already too dazed to think what's installed.

Maybe I should just go with the flow and react as things come along. I'm tired and I really doubt I can just continue moving on.

What's installed for me next in my holiday. I'm supposed to feel exited and happy. Weariness has bitten me so hard I just want to stay in my room and come out when I'm ready.