Lil' Secret

Just as I was watching Mediacrap shows, I started contemplating about my life. Without interest in continuing education, no work, what am I going to do. Maybe there's a solution to this whole situation but I'm just running away from it. There are many things that can be done but I just don't want to do anything. It's crazy but even surfing net till wee hours of the morning I get nagged at.

I'm being unrealistic now but I just want to be alone. I want that personal time with myself. I want that little bit of peace and tranquility (not even the buzzing of crickets in the middle of the night). I also want the whole planet Earth to receive less heat (which is driving me ridiculously insane).

I cut down on aircondition usage but I'm increasing my cold showering frequencies. How can this help Mother Earth? Ok, unless I start to think about what I want (hopefully the best) for myself soon or I'll be that typical me lazing in front of the laptop (and start irritating the hell of busy people).

Are there really busy people in the world. I need to do something to change my life (hopefully change everyone else around me). I can't change them physically but their attitude towards me. My family, friends and my girlfriend.

I don't feel like talking to anyone (and my girlfriend) thinks our relationship is heading downhill. Just because I don't feel like opening my mouth doesn't mean I don't have feelings for her. Everyday, I repeat my same daily routine, what interesting stuffs can I talk about? What interesting stuff does she want to hear from me. I can't be a systematic person telling her "I'm having my lunch now, I'm going for tuition, I'm sleeping" everyday. You may not get tired listening to it but I'm tired of repeating myself again and again.

Why do I need that personal time?

It's probably time I start reflecting about myself. Like I said - what are my wants, my priorities. We all have that lil' secret - clean and dirty ones. Maybe it's in my little space that I give myself, everything's is going to be perfect alright. Maybe if I give myself ample daydreaming time, I'd most likely be happier.

Wait.

Is there such a thing like a happy person. I'm not particular about food, I don't know if I'm a shopaholic now, I have many movies I want to catch but I don't want to take initiative and ask people out. I make sure my tuition kids don't cancel my tuition appointments so I can receive my payment on time. I'm not concern about how I look now even though I'm in a messy state.

If my mind's straightened out, probably I'd be clear headed. I don't believe in the higher powers but if I believe in this statement does it make me Satanic?

"There's no heaven or hell. All pleasures must be derived from Earth." I'm seeking the pleasure I want but where do I start? Why do I see people contented with their life. Are they really contented or are they just covering their woes with work. I do want to be a normal person - just follow the rules and never stray. I have nothing to keep myself occupied and finding stuffs to keep myself occupied subtly tells me I'm avoding some problems.

I may have problems. I may not have problems. Maybe it's just that I prefer to keep everything to myself - that lil' secret.