Still

I'm half past my expat stay in Puerto Rico. Work hasn't been smooth recently because suddenly there was an influx of ideas from many people. There are people who want to lead, they are also people "trying to lead". Despite the in differences, no one bothered to slow down the pace and regroup.

As for me, I always try to stay impartial. I don't like to put myself in competition with others because I will lose out. I believe experience comes with many exposure and I'm trying to gain experience. I do fear that as age comes up, I might turn into "a know it all" assuming that with experience, what I do is "right". Making mistakes in work is unavoidable but I believe with mistakes with grow.

I cannot comprehend why there are also people refusing to adopt a mindset. With an open mind, aren't we more easily influenced with better ideas? Compared to the past, I feel I've become independent more and at the same time, I still revert to the role of a student. I take down important points and question my doubts. Despite the setbacks I'm experiencing, I never let it weigh me down. Like I believe in, the greatest competition and mentor is still myself.

If I'm giving up myself, there's no one but myself to push hard and make it through.

I haven't hit my low yet because I don't know where my bottom line is. I can't risk putting myself in a situation which maybe I'll find it hard to bounce back. Seriously speaking, if someone asked how my life in Puerto Rico is, I cannot give a definite answer. I don't miss my family, my companions nor the lifestyle in Singapore. I guess I haven't been out long yet. Is it because, I feel no one will miss me, that's why I've psyched myself into this.

There are so many questions I'd like to ask myself. However, do I have that courage to answer? I never felt the importance of life probably because life was never important to me. How many out here have touched me, molded me and change me. Is it everyone in my life or is it just one in my life. Then again, is it all that important because if I just stood there, what will wait for me and what won't?

I used to think I know myself very well. As I grow old every day, I think I don't understand myself now. I always hear , "you need to figure it out". I just don't wish to as it's an easier option to let someone figure me out for me. I tell myself, I just wish for a contented life. I just started out the long hard road of life and when will I grasp my contented life. Maybe I need to re-evaluate myself every now and then. Maybe I need to start figuring myself out. Maybe after several years down the road, I'm still the same old guy, thinking about the same problems, thinking for the same group of important people in my life, thinking that one day everything's going to roll out fine.