Disorientated.

Are there times where you want to slow down the pace of life?

Are there times where you want to take a breath of fresh air?

Are there times where you just want to have your life planned out?

Are there times where you have to take a step back and reconsider how you should proceed moving on?

I wished to but I can’t. I’m like a like bull, constantly charging. I have forgotten how many times, I’ve reach the dead end yet I still try to “crash the wall down”. Optimism and persistence, is it always a good quality? It was never in built in me. How I loved to be able to put a smile in me and shrug off situations which I never want it to come. Entering the final quarter of the year, how I hope I can slow down or maybe better, put a standstill in what I’m doing.

Time is ever in motion. There is never an option for you to stop. I cannot recall the time I had a good rest. I think I’m a person full of contradictions. My conscious and subconscious are constantly in battle with each other. I want to work, yet I’m always thinking of ways for rest. As I write this latest entry, it is obvious I’m in a disorganized state. I’m in a state of erratic behavior. I guessed I’ve set too many series of priorities for myself which in turn generated several problems. Initially when I started out in prioritizing, I thought I can achieve something for myself. As time progresses, I’m starting to feel the burden of my priorities. Setting goals is an easy task but when realization that coping with it is difficult, should I start letting things go? Never is easy when decisions have to make.

A good friend of mine was telling me about a 20% and 80% rule. Most of us spend time on something which we think win benefit us, henceforth the 80%. However, if the things aren't working that well, it's time to give up on the 80% and focus on 20% things instead. Probably the satisfaction may be minimal, there's always this phrase which says "A little goes a long way".

Just as I'm starting to compose myself this whole afternoon, what my friend said probably makes sense. I'm spending way too much time on my tuition and it's not providing me substantial contentment (not to mention income). I won't said it's depressing nor saddening. I'm just losing the spirit, the momentum to constantly think of ways to ensure my kids understand what I'm teaching. From there, hopefully they can do well in their exams. As I start reflecting, it seems like tuition though brought me some joy (it ignite my passion to want talk to kids and educate them), there's also the downside where it's not playing a meaningful role in my life.

As I start pondering what my 20% should be, I find it real hard to brush my 80% off my shoulders. I don't expect much help from friends to get out of this mess. I think my life's in a mess and I never want to sort it out. So many things on my mind and I'm not spending time to deal with it. I jaded but I still carry that little spark in me. I believe slowly things will work out and I can bounce back.

Currently, I'm just like a ship sailing across unchartered waters. I have no idea which direction I shoould head. Maybe I should just continue pressing on and definitely I'll hit an island soon. What's the outcome of my life, I pretty much believe that it has been planned out. I'm carrying a defeatist attitude now but like I said, my subconscious in fighting a battle with the conscious.

Somehow with that little faith, I know I'll mend.